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THE IMMACULATE ERECTION “These were the times that raked leaves collected in the street gutters where they burned and smoldered through lazy October days. Everybody loved the smell and everybody liked Ike. Fathers wore brown felt, wide-brimmed ‘man hats’ and mothers wore funny round hats with nets. The times of Pall Malls and Luckys, when guys fought with their fists, and handshakes were sacred. Families had two goals: add to savings accounts every month and pay off the home mortgage. There were lots of Savings and Loans and corner grocery stores where kids bought Push-Ups and Dreamsicles. Teens ran home to watch Bob and Justine, Pat and Kenny on Bandstand, Ed Sullivan, Snookie and Giselle on a cumbersome, small-screen, black and white Philco. A time of innocence, rides and family breakfasts after Mass on Quinquegesima Sunday, while the haunting refrains of Gregorian chants echoed in the heads of well-dressed and well-mannered children. It was a friendlier time and a slower quieter time. It was a time like all times that inexorably trudges through the shine, to the dull, and to the rust, until it is filed into the pages of history and the temporary alcoves of memory.”
Faith and dogma: “ Faith my ass. I know what faith is, and it sure ain’t burnin’ forever ‘cuz I ate a White Castle on Friday. I’m not sure that’s meat anyway. This Immaculate Conception sounds like your God could have some kind of gallows humor. So Mary and Joseph were this very nice Jewish couple and one day Mary tells Joe that she’s gonna have a baby, but it’s not his, it’s God’s, and you say he’s delighted. Now that’s faith. I know that I would have been lookin’ around the neighborhood for some guy with an immaculate erection.” First confession and sex class: “We learned of real life instances where gruesome forms of punishment were dealt to the infidels that participated in the sins of the flesh. We learned how God directed certain hideous growths and diseases to specific parts of the bodies of those that worshipped Onan (which I later learned was masturbation), and how certain transgressions could cause the loss of mind, sight, and more commonly one’s genitals.” The big game: “ The black grease was probably 20% to help with sun glare and 80% war paint. We experienced the redundancy of the scene from ‘Knute Rockne’ that has in one form or another been played and replayed in every high school, college, and pro locker room before every football game ever played. This is where the Coach ‘ earns his keep’. This is where that particular selection of inspirational rhetoric is delivered, that history attributes to victory.” Viet Nam: “ It was the leeches that got to me. It was the leeches that crawled in the shadows of my semi-conscious and wiggled in and out of my nightmares. It was the leeches that feasted from the vessels of my deepest terror, and they were never worth the Silver Star.” Death: “ Seconds before impact, Billy saw himself standing in front of the fabled spector. The hoof beats sounded with intolerable volume as the gray mantled apparition with the skeletal smile approached. It was the lead rider of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Making Out: “ It was in that moment of passion that a strange thought came to me in the form of a regret. I had not done the proper planning. I had elected to look cool while ignoring the more potent considerations. I had worn my special pair of super cool jeans with the super cool set of impossible to undo metal buttons where the zipper is normally located. My odd regret was simply that I did not have a pair of pliers in my pocket.” A Pedophile Priest: A vulnerable Catholic boy.
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The
The
Immaculate Erection
