Testimonials

"This is actually the most terrible thing, I have ever read. Its only purpose might be to signal the death of literature."
- Anonymous Literary Agent

"Hey Man! Adam has the ability to stand around a room for hours staring off into space, or at least at my girlfriend's breasts. He needs sunglasses."
- Jonas Mason, Friend

"Adam is incapable of looking me in the eye in conversation. I find myself constantly having to nudge his chin up so that he will stop staring at my breasts. On behalf of all the female population, I hope he goes blind."
- Girl Model, Human Coat Hanger

"Adam is painfully awkward. I cannot begin to tell you how many times he has behaved embarrassingly at an event I was involved with. Many times I am surprised I still have a job when I wake up the next morning."
- Patty Doria, Promoter

"Painfully Awkward is riveting, but only if the definition of riveting has been changed to suck."
- Designated Dave Smith, Actor

"My son is adorable. Any girl that does not recognize this is a fool. I would be eternally grateful if he would make me a grandmother sometime in the near future."
- Mom

"What his mother said. Additionally, if this book could sell I would finally be able to stop supporting him. At thirty years old don't you think it is about time?"
- Big Al, Dad

Excerpt

A Dream Before the Day Begins
(Wake Up)

“Albaster?”
“Here.”
“Allen?”
“Here.”

Not exactly in the monotone voice made famous by Ben Stein (also commonly used by accountants, customer service representatives,  and other dregs of society), but rather in a very pleasant voice the teacher stands in front of the class systematically performing their most basic duty – taking attendance. Years ago a catchy advertisement ran on the back of many a head (publication for hippies make irrelevant by the Internet) magazine pushing off a compilation of the Grateful Dead’s Dark Star, that ran with the advertisement “it’s really them doing it.” It was often during the taking of attendance that the teacher would stand before the class and realize with equal and opposite excitement that they had grown up to be teachers, it was really them doing it. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with teaching as a profession (unless in the presence of the one who coined the saying 'those that can't do, teach') it was actually one of the more noble endeavors in life one could chose, wherein the problem lay, who wanted to be noble?

It is the first day of school and while all of the other kids are excited for what the day may bring - new friends, new dating partners, maybe even a chance to learn something interesting; I find myself only concerned with the taking of attendance. People around me are laughing and having a good time, sharing stories of their summers, filling people in on pertinent information about one another that would be necessary to continue a friendship, or acquaintance, that had been formed previously. Though too nervous to speak, I attempt to make jokes back to them; there are many people I will want to know in this class. A quick scan through the room from my back row seat reveals a few girls who I have always wanted to be friends with and it is entirely possible that through this class I may be able to earn or at least beg for their friendship. It's not that I don't have so many friends, because I have a really nice group, but in high school it isn't about having nice friends, but rather the right friends.