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Excerpt

coming to our senses

Ten years ago you'd have classified me as a classic American adrenaline junkie, leaping tall buildings in a single bound, at the top of the class in both high scholl and college, the golden girl at any office I'd worked in. I was also the one who had no idea who she was underneath the long list of accomplishments that grew with each passing day. I barely gave myself time to breathe before moving on to the next activity designed to please, serve, impress, or delight - someone else.

In late 1992, with the sudden onset of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), my ability to power through life came to a screeching halt. For two-and-a-half long years, the illness stole my energy, scrambled my mind, sent pains through my body, and often left me so weak that I was unable to stand for five minutes at a time. But it also proved to be the best friend I'd ever had. It forced me to find the truer, more limitless, energy source within me, a much more powerful and reliable one than the occasional boost I had previously gotten from the outside world in the form of compliments, approving nods, proud looks, promotions, and raises. I learned that in order to access this boundless energy, I simply had to reach in, clear a path for it to get to the surface, and it would perform - for me.

As a kid I always wondered why life had to be so hard - so much negativity, so many words that remained unsaid, and so many opportunities to comfort one another that passed by just for spite. Even during the good times we had (which were many), I'd stuff my stomach long past the point of being satisfied, and all too soon brace myself for the inevitable fights that were bound to pop up. With a confusing mixture of sensations around and within me, I sought refuge in life's rules and followed them religiously, doing exactly what I was expected to do.

But as a thirty-two-year-old woman faced with an illness that had no known cause or cure, I'd run out of rules to follow. Suddenly my body had become my only guide: me, myself, and I against the world that I'd known those decades before. I was forced to open my heart and dive right in, digging through clutter, bursting through barricades, opening locked doors. For the first time in my life, I found myself putting myself first - bring selfish, direct, and both brutally and refreshingly honest. It was contrary to everything I'd ever learned to be. I was on a huge scavenger hunt, fueled by necessity.